Letters to my children: Complicity

Dearest Beloveds,

There are times when I think about the lessons your father and I are trying to teach you and I feel proud. To look in someone’s eye when they talk to you, to not give up before you try, to share our allowance with others who have less, why we turn the lights/fan off when we leave a room, how to take turns, why it is important to eat salad etc etc.

Other times I am not so proud - this morning was one of those times. Today I taught you about being complicit. I went over to Meme’s house this morning to help her with her medication and to make sure she ate some breakfast. Before I left, I asked if you could both come and collect me after 10 minutes so that we could do reading lesson and piano practice before the day got going with the Farmers Market, etc.

It did not even occur to me that this was not a good idea until the both of you arrived to the cottage. Bean, you called out, “Momma, I need you to come and help me with my reading!”

Then Dragon, not to be outdone, “Momma, I want you to read me a story!”

I suddenly felt terrible - both of you, ready with your white lies to extricate your Momma from a situation that is my responsibility to manage. Lying to your Meme in order to help your Momma.

What was even more fascinating and gut wrenching from my perspective was that your arrival completely derailed Meme from her complaints. “Good morning muffcakes! Look at you with your rain jackets and boots on, wow, it is really coming down isn’t it?!”

My whole life I have used my family as an excuse to get out of doing something I didn’t want to do. I remember being told, “You can always use us as an excuse. Never feel badly about telling someone your parents won’t let you do something you don’t want to do.”

Then, you get married, and that happens again. I would receive an invitation and look up at your father, “Dearest, can I say that you already made plans for us? I just can’t face the idea of going.”

Is complicity terrible? I think this began for me as a way to avoid hurting another person’s feelings or not wanting to be rude or not feeling comfortable using my Big Voice to tell the truth. But what that really meant was that that I cared more what other people thought about me than telling the truth - and that is not okay.

So what to do when faced with such an issue… well, there are two parts to communicating with someone where you don’t want to do what they want to do. First of all, it is not necessary to share all of the story if you think the truth would be offensive to them. When faced with an invitation that you don’t want to accept it is perfectly alright to say, “I have other plans, I am so sorry.” If pressed you could tell the person. “I am sorry I have other plans and it is none of your business/I don’t want to share/it is a treat for me.” Other plans do not need to be that you are already booked with another engagement (it took your Momma a long time to realize this). Other plans could be sitting in a hammock, daydreaming as you look at the sky and the leaves moving overhead in the wind. This can also be a bit tricky because depending on how close you are with the person you might want to share more or less - it is your call and you will know if you nailed it if your belly doesn’t yelp at you afterwards.

Second of all, it is important to tell the truth about how you feel otherwise the Universe gets confused. If you don’t tell the truth about what you are doing, what you want, where you are, what your vision is, then the lines of communication between you and the Universe get all tingle tangled and can end up in a big kerfuffle. The Universe can be incredibly helpful when you are clear about what you want, but if you tell lies than the Universe doesn’t know whether it should listen to your heart (where the truth always rests) or your words (which can be false).

I think Meme and Baba thought they were being helpful when they told me that I could blame my decisions on them. But I am not interested in continuing that with you two (I will check with your father on this, but I am pretty sure he will agree with me). If I only want to be with Meme for 10 minutes to be able to do everything in the morning that is on the list of doings than it is my responsibility to bring a phone and set a timer and tell her the truth, “Mom, I am setting a timer. I have a lot of things to do this morning and I want to make sure that they all happen.” (See I am practicing, smile). That way I am telling the truth to the Universe and so are you two.

Sigh, so many facets in this life…. constantly learning.

In other news, Bean, we started your allowance chart today. Every time you dry the dishes, feed Coco, practice the piano, and/or set the table - you will get a tally mark. Each tally mark is worth $0.10. At the end of the week, we will give you what you earned, match that with $ to go into your savings account, and match that again with money to give away. You wrote out the categories yourself… asking for help with the spelling, I will take a picture of it for you on the fridge for the 2021 picture book.

This morning as we were snuggling you told me that you liked a certain girl because she likes the same thing you like. “What things are those, Dilly Bean?’

“Ummmm, you know, Unicorns and sparkles.”

“Ah yes, the interesting question is do you like those because society tells you you should like them or because you would like them if you were on a deserted island?”

“Momma, what does that mean?”

“It means that you might like Unicorns because society tells you that girls your age should like them by having them on socks, dresses, shoes, papers, stickers, all of those things. Perhaps if you had never seen one you wouldn’t know you liked them.”

“I guess so.”

Dragon, last night you and I were reading through the Usborne (my latest book obsession) Look inside what happens when you eat and you tell me you like Vitamin E the best. “Because look Momma, pow pow! He is shooting! Bam bam!”

“You are right, he is shooting the germs. Wow, that is hilarious. This book is really funny.”

“Yes, super funny. Bam Bam!”

I love you both so so much, thank you for teaching me everyday.