Letter to my children: On choosing a mate

Dearest Beloveds,

The word mate is so funny to me - it rhymes with skate, connotes zoos, and makes me feel as though I need a tail. Partner is a good word too, but it also works for businesses. Though, I guess, a marriage is rather like running a business (servant leadership, open book finance, negotiating, the art of compromise, long term planning, a vision - thank you Zingermans) - especially once children get added to the mix. Husband and wife are loverly as well. But I think mate is the best word for what I want to talk about.

On choosing a mate - how to find someone that you choose to stick yourself to (and them to you) during the great and no so great parts of life. So, this is your Momma’s story. There are successful matings all over this planet that start in millions of different ways. I want to highlight several points from your Momma’s mating that I hope might be instructional for your own matings. (mate, mate, mate, hehe)

You may choose not to mate, or to mate to many people. That is, of course, your choice. I do think there is something to be said for being with someone long enough to truly have a partnership. Though till death do us part has a lot more to do with patriarchal economics than what might be best for us as humans. I don’t know. I do know that after 18 years I know that we are still growing (spiritually and in experiences), still curious about each other, and can still make each other laugh. So I would say our till death do us part is working well for your parents.

First of all, fall in love. Toe tingling, spine shaking love. Love where you feel their chest hair for a week after snuggles. Love where you can’t sleep and forget to eat and float through life. Love where you memorize the tiny color differences in their pupils after an afternoon of gazing and sweet nothings. Falling in love is important, because that nugget lives in your heart always.

Physical attraction can go a long way… but don’t get hung up on that being the only thing. People age and bodies change. Scars, sags, and swells hit us all. Make sure you love their mind, heart, and soul as much as their figure.

Show your true self even if you think that will frighten the other person. About two years into our relationship I visited your father at med school. It was during testing or something equally horrible. He was a stressed out mess and asked that we stay in that night for dinner so that he could study. I, being a Good Girl, said yes and walked into the kitchen.

A kitchen overflowing with the detritus of 3 busy students. “Oh wow, I can’t even think about cooking in such a mess. Gonna clean up the kitchen first. Okay, here I go!”

Your father started reading on the couch and I started doing dishes. I got resentful and more resentful and more and more resentful. Why the FUCK am I cleaning up this mess? This isn’t even my mess! Can’t we just go out and get something simple? Why are men such slobs?? Fucking shit! This is NOT my mess! I am only here for 36 hours and he can’t even take an hour break?! On and on it went - until I was well lathered. Okay, Corinna. I have a choice. I can explode and show this man how I really feel. Or I can pretend I am fine with this. I am not fine with this and I want to be honest with this person. Let’s see what he does.

I exploded. I think your Momma broke a dish.

And we went out to dinner.

Choose someone kind. Nice is an underrated word. It is a really really important concept. Life can be tough - you want your home to be a refuge of soft words and love. Ideally home is a place where you are yourself, working to be a better self, and supported in such by your mate - who is on the same path.

Make sure you find someone who listens to you - not just hears you. Ideally your mate will listen, grok, assimilate, cogitate, and then throw back a new way of looking at the issue. Your Dadda does this for me.

Laughter is important. A shared sense of humor can go a long way.

Find someone who values the same thing you value - and not just abstract concepts like playfulness, joy, and world peace. Your father and I love to cook together - the silent dance of chopping and stirring. Your father and I love working outside together - “can you believe the size of the squash this year?!” We love teaching both of you together.

Last weekend, I was working with you Bean on your weekly letter to Meme. Your father was working with you Dragon, teaching you how to read. I hear the two of you as I lean over the table encouraging Bean.

“Say this word slowly ththththiiisss.”

“dddddiiiissss”

“Listen Dragon, look at my tongue, watch it between my teeth. Thththththth.”

“Thththththth.”

“YES! You got it!”

“I got it!” I feel a tug on my shirt and I turn to see a sheepishly grinning, thrilled Dragon.

“You got it Dragon!” and we all cheer.

Twinkling eyes, laugh lines in the corner, big grin on my mate’s face.

Children, find someone who makes you flush you with gratitude even after many many years. I have.