Letter to my children: Motivation, Rewards, why Zingermans (Visioning) Rocks

Dearest Beloveds,

I recently ran across an interview with Dr. Tony Nader and social scientist Daniel Pink about motivations and rewards. I cringed as I listened to their discussion because it occurred to me that all day long I offer contingent rewards. As Pink calls them, an “if then” reward.

“If you don’t eat your breakfast we can’t go to camp.”

“If you don’t set the table, I will dock you one strike. As you know, after three strikes you won’t get your allowance.”

“If you don’t do your math lesson, we can’t read stories.”

On and on and on… it feels like all day is a serious of “if then” mandates. There are two problems with this model of motivation.

First of all, it is a form of control. As Pink posits, “humans have have two reactions to control: comply or defy.”

Which I get. Compliance comes when everyone is well rested and fully charged with Conscious Discipline I Love You Rituals. Otherwise, indeed, defiance reigns.

Pink continues, “a simple set of rewards and a clear destination work very well for “if then” rewards” but not for anything complex.”

In other words, intrinsic motivation is what really drives us to succeed for anything that is more interesting than the “make your bed or you can’t have ice cream” conversation. For life aspirations and creative endeavors you need a spark from within, a niggle, a nudge, a tug.

Just recently an “if then” reward scenario from your mother switched to intrinsic motivation arising from you two. It was glorious.

The two of you were downstairs playing soccer in the mudroom, I was cleaning dishes from breakfast. Suddenly the Bean called up the stairs, “Momma, it is 8:27, if we want to be on time we need to leave in 3 minutes.”

This is a first. I haven’t said a word to prod this along.

Sudsy hands, I glanced at the clock, bemused. “You are totally right. I will be done in 1 minute. Do you have everything you need to leave?”

Excited to not miss a moment of your time at Stony Hollow Farm, the sounds of the soccer ball ceased. I hear Bean admonishing her brother, “Dragon, fill your water bottle.”

Amazing.

Children, life has many distractions to derail us from our life vision. Each time we choose our vision over the distraction we are strengthening that muscle - we are creating a positive feedback loop of ambition and rewards as our vision comes alive.

For example, your mother’s choice to get out of bed when it is dark and cold outside to exercise and meditate.

The sheets are so soft. The duvet is so warm. The rain is hitting the roof. The dream is still gripping my heart. I roll away from the light and close my eyes again. Then I hear a nudge.

How badly, Corinna, do you want to be with The Good?

So I jump out of bed. I do my program.

I set myself up with my best self (immersed in the SELF) for the day, which in turn, motivates me to get out of bed early tomorrow. The reward becomes the motivation to do more. The circle continues and strengthens itself.

I wish for you both a life filled with the rewards of a peaceful heart, a sense of accomplishment, joy, love, connection, and courage.

Which brings us to visions. I love Ari Weinzweig’s article about visioning at Zingermans. Ari details the why, the what, the how, and the importance of visioning so beautifully.*

A vision, quite simply, is a picture of what success will be at a particular time in the future. A great vision is inspiring. It gets you and everyone in the organization excited to come to work; it's the cathedral everyone is coming to work every day to construct. This is not mere wishful thinking. A vision must also be strategically sound. You have to have a reasonable shot at getting there.

When I worked at Zingermans I was able to practice visioning. I quickly began to realize that visioning applies to one’s life just as it applies to sales targets.

Thank you Zingermans for that huge gift and lesson. It has informed my whole life and I am incredibly grateful.

Your father and I have a Vision 2028 for our family/marriage/life. I have a personal vision. If you don’t have a vision in place children you won’t know where you are going.

As Ari shares in a more recent article about visioning:

It might be a vision for yourself for the year to come; the beginnings of a vision for your organization, your family, a non-profit you’re a part of; or a personal long-term vision for your life. As I’ve learned repeatedly over the years, the downside is nearly nil. The only risk, really, is that you might gain great clarity on what you, in your heart, really would like your life to be like.

You might gain great clarity on what you, in your heart, really would like your life to be like. What a gift to give to yourself.

What a way to ensure fewer regrets and more rewards. To return to Daniel Pink and his interview, Pink discussed the power of regrets in that “they serve as a reverse image of what the good life is.”

Around the world people have the same core four regrets with remarkable universality. Foundation regrets: If only I had done the work. Boldness regrets: Not being brave. Moral regrets: If only I had done the right thing. Connection regrets: If only I had reached out.

Beloveds, your life vision will change as you try different things and realize what does and what does not sing to your heart.

I can’t wait to see what happens.