Letter to my Children: Adulting vs Parenting Hat

Dearest Beloveds,

I switch hats throughout the day from Adulting Corinna to Parenting Corinna and vis-a-versa. Adulting Corinna pays attention and gives time to MY wants, desires, thoughts, responsibilities, and curiosities.

Parenting Corinna pays attention and gives time to YOUR wants, desires, thoughts, responsibilities, and curiosities.

I have found during my almost 10 years as a hat switcher, that life goes more smoothly when I wear only one hat when I am with you two - because, as you may have noticed, your mother only has one head.

Sometimes I try to fit both hats on my head at the same time - for example - I get a phone call about a medical reschedule while I am in the middle of a project with Dragon.

This juggle discombobulates the whole flow of the moment.

Dragon gets confused. “Momma don’t answer it, you are helping me!”

I get frustrated. ARGH! I thought I had my phone on Do Not Disturb, but if I don’t answer it will take me another two days to connect with these people. “I know Dragon, but I need to do this super fast. Two seconds.”

“It has been two seconds.” He starts to pull on my sleeve. “Momma, get off the phone!”

I press the green button. “Hi! I am so happy to talk to you. Let’s talk fast because my 6 year old is feeling impatient.” My tone is dripping with a saccharine patina, all the while silent mouthing STOP IT. I AM ON THE PHONE to Dragon.

Hopefully I can catch myself before my Ego takes over and it becomes an opportunity to send love and compassion to my feelings of overwhelm and too muchness. Which is, obviously, the goal. (It is always good to have goals.)

Before you two were born your father and I traveled around Cambodia. We visited the Choeung Ek Killing Fields, the Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum, and we bought our meals at restaurants with door signs saying “no sex slaves allowed.” A beautiful country holds this horrific and very confronting reality. I wrote emails home to Meme and Baba furious at the US involvement and succor for the Khmer Rouge in the 1970s. This is what I remember from Meme as her response, “Corinna, get off my back. I had two small children. I wasn’t about to picket the State Department.”

In other words, Meme interacted with that event during my childhood wearing her Parenting Hat, not her Adulting Hat.*

I get that.

When babies arrived my Parenting Hat was a tinted crash helmet with noise cancelling earphones. My Adulting Hat was tossed aside - brushed off only occasionally - but now more and more frequently.

Juggling the two hats has taught me to be discerning with where I focus my energy. It has given me courage and strength to safeguard both spheres in a way that I do not think would have happened otherwise.

Here are some snapshots of what happens under the rubric of the Parenting Hat.

I sit between you two and read Redwall - Dragon on the left with his head on my shoulder and Bean on my right with her legs over my knees.

Bean and I make ourselves cellophane noodles and vegetables for lunch and talk about birthday party themes for your 10th birthday. “Foxes? Kittens? I really like kittens. Can we do a scavenger hunt AND musical chairs?”

“There is never such as thing as too tight for my skates, Momma,” as I sit on the floor with Dragon’s hockey skate between my knees. The floor of the rink is cold on my bottom and I tug harder on the laces. I lace you up tight, snap on your helmet, wish you a good practice, and watch you launch onto the ice and take your first lap around the rink. You can now skate backwards.

Thank you both for my Parenting Hat - I am a better person because of it. I love you both.

*In case you get upset Momma didn’t put on my Adulting Hat around issues that become important to you when get older. I get it. I am doing the best I can. Life is always both/and. Everyone needs to come up with a life balance that functions for their own energy and passions.